Struggling, but I’m still trying!

It takes tiny baby steps, but when you’ve fallen off the horse – you’ve got to get back on!  That’s exactly what I’m trying to do.  When I lost all my excess weight back in 2007 I swore I would never put it back on (55 lbs).  Well, I haven’t put it ALL back on, but with 20 extra pounds I can’t get into any of the clothes in my closet!  And I have a bunch of cute clothes that I really miss wearing!

I’m really trying to get my MO JO back..but my lifestyle has changed so drastically from what it used to be – I’m not sure what the answer is.  When I say I’m struggling it’s because I know I’m not doing everything I need to do to get back to my “happy place” or my “fighting weight”.  My motivation is low.  

But when I say I’m trying – as half hearted as it may be …here’s proof:ImageMost days I have a protien smoothie and a banana for breakfast.

ImageThen I have my “go to” salad for lunch.  This is romaine, chicken breast, feta cheese, almond slivers, craisins.  My dressing is a light raspberry vinegarette.  Sometimes I add some other fruit, like apples or grapes and some fresh spinach.  This just happened to be what I had in the house that day.  This particular salad helps to curb my sweet tooth as well.  Love all types of salads but this is a fav.

I don’t do as well planning my third (supper) meal of the day.  Lunch is usually our big meal and we often just snack at suppertime. Sometimes it’s just popcorn.  When I say I’m trying it’s because as exhausted as I’ve been…I’ve walked 2.5 miles two days in a row this week!  Not as fast or as far as I used to back in my “healthier” days, but I’m trying.  Today I walked while my 6 yr. old grandson rode his scooter.  Yesterday I walked with my almost 62 yr. old, 50 lbs. overweight, sedentary hubby! LOL  He hates walking, but he knew I was trying to get motivated to go and offered to go with me – isn’t that sweet?

I already have plans to walk with my 13 yr. old grandson tomorrow.  He enjoys walking with his Maw Maw and we have good talks while we are walking too!  What else am I doing?  Well, I’m still stepping on the scale once a week (don’t believe in weighing every day). Stepping on the scale holds me accountable for maintaining.  I’m not losing…but I’m not gaining either.  I’m probably not eating enough to charge my metabolism – and that’s where I say I’m still struggling – cause I’m not tracking my intake of food every day like I used to.  I’ve done it for so many years – I’m just plain tired of doing it!

I’m also not weighing and measuring, since my food scale quit working.  I just need to go buy one and quit making excuses, don’t I?? Grrrrrrrr…Now that I’ve gotten back into walking some, I’m going to try and keep the momentum going until July when I won’t be caring for any grandsons.  Maybe, if I keep trying, in July I can get back to the gym since I’m already paying for a membership that I’m not using!  Ugh.

I have documented my walks with my Map My Walk app on my phone.  I noticed today that they have a new nutrition tracker on there. Hmmmmmmm….

The name of the game is to MAINTAIN!

This is my accountability blog.  That means that I am putting it down in WRITING and that I expect you to hold me accountable.  How do you do that?  By asking me every once in awhile how things are going and how I’m doing on my weight.  You will never get anything but an HONEST response from me.  So here goes:  Those of you that know me or have been following me for a while will already know that I am a LIFETIME member of Weight Watchers.  I received my Lifetime award in 2007 and simultaneously went to work for them as a WW leader.  ImageI loved the work I did for WW and loved all the ladies I inspired to be the best they good be!  I had lost 55+ lbs going from 199.8 to 142 in about a year.  It’s a great program and one I could follow, and I wanted to pay it forward by showing others how to do it.  I also proved I could do it without having a husband that would do it with me!  ImageJerry could afford to lose a few pounds too, but he likes his real butter, red meat, potatoes and bread too much to curtail what he was doing. So I had a “healthy” section and an “unhealthy” section in the pantry and the frig!! LOL

I ate, slept and drank Weight Watchers until 2011.  A healthy lifestyle was in all my being!  I ate right, exercised, and all the symptoms of an unhealthy lifestyle disappeared! Prior to joining WW I was suffering all the symptoms of Menopause, I had GERD and high blood pressure, and was suffering with mild depression.  This pic out of my weight loss scrapbook is a testament: ImageI did believe in myself!  I knew I could succeed with God’s help.  I also had an awesome support system with my husband & daughters believing in me.  My youngest daughter, Tanya was my best accountability partner!  She paid for me to join and is also a lifetime member.  There was no way I was gonna waste her money!  If it had been my money, maybe – but NOT HERS!  

Exercise was the biggest challenge for me.  I did not want to exercise!! But, I started gradually by walking in my neighborhood and using an exercise hoop for 10 min. a day.  Before I knew it, I was running 5k’s!! ImageHere I am pictured with Tanya, after running my 3rd 5k in Corpus Christi, Texas in 2009.  We almost changed our mind since it was raining, but decided to push on through and do it anyway!  We were each other’s accountability partners in this endeavor.  It was a “girl weekend” for us and so we enjoyed some retail therapy and dinner out while there.ImageI will cherish these memories!!

So, long story short…in 2011 after leaving WW my mother-in-law became very ill and was diagnosed as terminal.  Due to circumstances beyond our control I became her full-time caregiver here in our home.  My daughter was going to work and needed two grandsons to be cared for as well, so I figured since I was already stuck at home taking care of Granny – why not?

Granny passed this last September, one grandson is now is school, and one grandson has recently been born.  So, I am still taking care of two grandsons and wishing I could get my MO JO back!  But, instead what I’ve observed...is the weight slowly creeping back!

Thus, the purpose of this blog.  You see, I battled with just 5-10 lbs. while taking care of Granny and was still able to make it to the gym from time to time, but when the grandsons started coming we were lucky to take a slow leisurely walk to the park each day.  Not at all the same as running a 5K! LOL  

My lifetime goal weight with WW was 146 lbs.  My fighting weight was 142.  I loved the way I looked at 142!!ImageThis is with Ethan as a toddler.  He’s in school now!  

ImageLook at that neck!  I loved not having that double chin.  I call it my “turkey neck”…cause of the excess fat I had showing up as a “turkey gobbler”..I needed to do some neck exercises!  LOL

But now…ugh! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started and stopped my new healthy regimen since Granny passed away. The first thing I did..the day she died was re-join the gym.  I’m still paying, but I’m not going.  I weighed this morning.  165.8.  I’ve gained and lost the same 5 lbs. several times since the first of the year.  I’ve done real good with my eating for 3-4 days and then I find myself falling off the wagon!  I’ve maintained a 20 lb gain and not gained anymore for awhile now.  But, everytime I try to lose and keep losing something throws me off track.  Mostly, I blame it on my lifestyle of taking care of babies.  Other than pushing the stroller or playing at the park or in the backyard I am for the most part sedentary.  I keep trying every week but just can’t seem to develop any type of consistent routine!!  Yes, I could just zip on over to the gym each evening when the boys leave and I did for awhile…but I am just so darn wore out by the time they leave that all I want to do is sit in my recliner or sit at the sewing machine.  I don’t want to exercise!!! My get up and go has got up and went!!

I don’t like the way I feel with this 20 lb. gain!  I have symptoms of GERD again.  I’m back on BP meds.  I hurt when I awake in the morning as though I’ve been running a race all night, and I feel some symptoms of depression coming back!  I know what I need to do and have been half-heartedly doing it since last September!!  

Excuses:  First it was the holidays.  In January it was my birthday!  February it was Valentine’s Day that derailed my success.  In March I started taking care of a newborn! In April it was Easter!  Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying.  They are real incidents/events! But, they are still excuses!!  

The more I battle this, the more guilty I feel for not being able to get to where I need to be mentally or physically.  But, I just can’t embrace the lifestyle I once did! It’s not possible with two grandsons arriving between 7-7:30 in the morning and leaving between 4-5:30.  

ImageAnd so I’ve made a decision.  I’m gonna stop beating myself up over the 20 lb. gain! This pic was taken on Thanksgiving at my 165 weight.  I’m still there.  And the reason I believe I’m still there is because I haven’t completely thrown out what I’ve learned and accomplished regarding weight loss since 2006 when I joined WW.  I WILL GET BACK TO WHERE I NEED TO BE.  Just not right now.  I want to weigh 145 again and I will.  I like the way I feel and look at 145.  But, I have also recognized that taking care of babies and being as housebound as I am is not conducive to weight LOSS.  Yes, still an excuse.  I catch myself mindlessly eating what I fix for everyone else instead of taking the time to fix my “healthy” meal, like I used to.  I hear all the great messages that I used to give my WW members playing over and over in my head and I’m reminded of this gain everytime I try to get into some of the clothes I have in my closet.  

I’ve fought buying anything new, so determined to get back into them.  Well, for the time being that’s not working for me!  I’ve got to get past this lose, gain, lose, gain, lose gain – and JUST MAINTAIN, until my lifestyle changes and I’m no longer taking care of babies. Then, the focus can be on me.  Hubby loves me regardless of my size.  Now, I just need to love my 165 lb. self until I can really devote some time & effort to me and appreciate all the contributions I am making in my grandson’s lives.  I am still paying it forward – just not as a WW person but as a grandmother!

Thanks for letting me give myself a pep talk.  It’s just what the doctor ordered.  I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

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